Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right...
In times of crisis, it's important to remember that everything will be all right. Well, except for anything that's left.
The Breakfast Of Champions
In a recent trip to the bakery, I learned how they make bagels. They take a perfectly good donut and leave it outside for a week to kill any flavor it once had. Then, they put it under a sun lamp for a day or two to make it as tough and dry as possible. Then, they coat it in curdled milk, or "Cream Cheese" as they call it. Viola! Bon appetite.
Go In The Name Of Love
Recently, I was involved in a horrible accident. I saw a big red sign that said "GO" in crude spray paint letters. Being the good driver that I am, followed instructions, crashing into an 18 wheeler. Curse the clever devil who wrote go on that stop sign and tricked me!!!
It would be sad if this were true. However, not quite as sad as some moron thinking that the word GO on a big red sign would fool anyone smart enough to get their driver's license.
Cruel Intensions
Have you ever wanted to see someone injure themselves, but not had a way to make them do it? Well, I've found out a wonderful way! All you have to do is strike up a conversation with them about pressure points. Keep pointing them out (shoulder, chest, sides, armpit, etc…) and the person your talking to will generally keep trying them as you say them. It's kind of sad, but then again, it's REALLY funny.
Sailor Goon
Sailor Moon is the worst show in the history of animation. It shouldn't even be called animation. It should be called SteamingPileAtion. I mean, no one recognizes the blond chick is Sailor Moon. Yea, so many girls have ponytails that run down to their feet with little buns on their head. She doesn't even wear a mask, she wears a headband. A headband. That's worse then Superman's glasses disguise! I could overlook all that if they weren't complete simps when it comes to fighting. They just get smacked around for a few minutes till the monster gets distracted for the three minutes it take for them to pull of an attack move.
With Liberty And Justice For Y'all
I don't get the fireworks tradition of the Forth of July. I mean, how exactly did blowing stuff up get linked with our nation's birth?
The Not-So-Little Mermaid
The Little Mermaid is, possibly, one of the most evil films ever created. I think that for two reasons
1) - There is WAY too much cleavage for a children's film, even if it IS animated.
2) - The moral of the story is, "Don't be yourself. If you want to ever be happy, you have to lie to your family and change until you get what you want."
Who Am I? Metaphorically Speaking...
Why is it that when people get amnesia on TV, they never forget how to talk. They yap on and on, asking who people are and what they're doing there. Even if their subconscious was still working, wouldn't they recognize their parents and remember their own name. I feel like hitting them in the head again. Not necessarily to help them regain their memory, but to make them sleep for a little while...
Alternative Lyrics
Sung, of course, to the tune of Old McDonald;
Old McDonald had a farm,
Ee Ii, Ee Ii, Oh,
Until one day the bank foreclosed,
Ee Ii, Ee Ii, Oh,
With an "Eviction" here,
And an "Eviction" There,
Here an "Evic," There and "Evic," everywhere an "Evic."
Old McDonald had a farm,
Ee Ii, Ee Ii, Oh.
Gas Station Joke 2001
Why do they call the gas station "Mobil" if it doesn't move?
The Last Backier
I was watching some Star Trek episodes the other night, and I realized how stupid the show really is. I mean, what kind of Federation sends out ships with so many uncertainties?! They can run into aliens and say, "Ya know what, if we reverse the proton flow to reactor and invert the antimatter flow, we could create a rip in space time which would obliterate the hostiles." I mean, COME ON! It's not like we do that stuff with out current technology. Submarines don't go, "If we put weapons grade plutonium in our reactor, and open all of the forward tubes, we can shoot super heated water into the opposing sub!" It's not exactly reality TV, but give me some believability!
It's A Classic
Scientists say that classical music helps children improve their standardized test scores, but apparently they didn't play it non-stop for 3 weeks at about 400 decibels.
Do Not Read This Joke
Well, SOMEONE has trouble with directions...
People are getting lazier by the... the... ah forget it.
Through my extensive studies at Hell's Outhouse (AKA: West Deptford High School), I've found conclusive proof that humans are getting lazier. I found this proof in the words we speak every day... let's compare an Old-English conversation and a modern conversation.
Old-English: Ah, greetings and salutations to you, my friend of friends! It has been many a fort night since our last encounter, and mine heart has gone weary from such an absense! Ah, your eyes shine with the brightness of a thousand stars, you hair flows like the mountain stream, and you skin is smooth and the queen's FINEST silk. Unfortunatally, now I must be off. I shall count the seconds to our next encounter, oh beautiful one.
Modern English: Hey man. Long time no see. I've missed ya. You're looking good. Anyway, I gotta go. See ya later.
This Holiday Brought To You By Hallmark
I like Valentines day just because it's the most hypocritical holiday of them all. People will be shouting and screaming about how much they HATE THIS STUPID HOLIDAY for 2 weeks before it comes. Then, they end up getting a rose from their crush and end up gushing about how great the holiday is, and how they wish it was EVERY day!!! Man, and people wonder why I randomly stick pork chops into people's underwear and let a starved wolverine loose… (had to add that last part because the joke is more of a clever observation then a joke... so now it gives the ILLUSION it's funny. Which leads me into my next joke...
Abra Cadaver
I don't understand why some people are afraid of clowns. They're so nice and happy all the time. Now, if you want to be scared of a performer, PICK THE MAGICIAN! Think about it! He has hands that are quicker then the human eye. That can't be safe for others around him! Also, he has the ability to make things appear out of no where. It's like "Ok, boys and girls, now, when I reach into my hat, I pull out a... CHAINSAW!!!" *RRRRRRRRRR* "AAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
Heaven's An Exclusive Club
I think that everyone should be an organ donor when they die. The only reason some people refuse to donate their organs is because they think they may need them in heaven. Like they're gunna get up there and have St. Peter say, "Name?" They would then say, "Al Nonomous." Then St. Peter would ruffle through his notebook and mumble, "Hmmm, gave to charity, no major sins, went to church every Sunday. Ok, everything looks in order. Now if you'll just show me your kidneys you can go ahead in." Al would stutter, "Uhh.... My kidneys... I.... er..." "You DO have kidneys, don't you?" St. Peter would query. Al would shout, "This is ridiculous! I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER!" St. Peter would grumble and shout, "HEY GOD! WE NEED YOU OUT HERE!" A bright, shining light of purity would drift through the pearly gates and ask, "Is there a problem here?" Al would shout, "YEA!!! I was good my whole life and this guy won't let me in!!!" God would say, "Is this true, St. Peter?" St. Peter would then whisper something into God's ear, then god's head would shoot up and he would go wide-eyed and say, "Oh... I see... I'm sorry. Heaven's full. But please, enjoy your eternity." Silly Christians.
JINX!!!
I've learned over the past few years that people can't stand to be jinxed. If you do not believe me, try finding out who your friend wants to win the Super Bowl. Then say, "The Eagles?! Oh yea man, they are going to win! I guarantee it! They are going to SQUASH the opposition and make them cry like little girls. Nothing could make them loose. THE HAND OF GOD HIMSELF COULD NOT AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF THIS GAME!!!!!" They don't seem to like that. I don't know why.
Bite Size Pieces Of Genius
The Following are three little things I thought of that the world should hear...
-I think that if Malcolm X played Tick-Tack-Toe, and had to be the O's, he would get really mad and storm off.
-Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left. (yes, this DOES make sense, trust me.)
-Remember that no matter how bad things get, everything will be all right. Well, except for the lefts, that is.
Happy Christmas!
I was in school earlier and the subject of Christmas gifts came up. After about 10 minutes of me one-upping everyone, my friend decided to bring up the fact that I’m an atheist, so I shouldn’t GET to celebrate Christmas. I told him, “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t believe in the Easter bunny, but you still get gifts!!!” He told me it’s different with Christmas. So I said, “How’s that different?! It’s not like JESUS comes flying down saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! GIFTS FOR ALL!!!!” Say it out loud and try not to crack a smile =)
X-Men
The X-Men was a great idea for a comic book series, but they have just one problem… CYCLOPS!!! I hate that guy! I mean, first of all, he was, like, the first guy on the X-Men team, and he’s still there! I swear, just about everyone around him has gotten ripped up or shot or something, but he just keeps sticking around!!! Ya know why? Because he’s always hanging out in the jet or in the base “leading” the X-Men!!! You think Professor X would come up to him and say “Cyclops, you know how everyone you’ve led has pretty much died? Yea, well, TAKE A HINT!!! YOU SUCK AT THIS!!!” But, that’s not even the WORST part about him!! The worst part is the story of his powers. Is he an alien? No. He’s a mutant. Well, where the hell do those lasers come from?! Does he have a batter in his ass or something?! And if brick walls won’t stop those eye beams, how the hell do his eyelids do the job?! SOMEONE TELL ME!!!
Gobble Gobble
In many homes across America, Thanksgiving is also known as “Turkey Day.” I think this is, perhaps, the worst naming of a holiday ever!!! On all the other holidays that have “day” written after a noun, that noun is treated with respect! Mother’s Day, mothers get flowers, and on Father’s Day, fathers get ties!! What does a turkey get? Killed, plucked, crammed full of spicy filling (we won’t mention where), and shoved into an oven for 6 hours. Not to mention the “done” needle stuck in them! Happy Turkey Day, you mean, mean people!!!
The Maple Leaf
Is it just me or does the presidential election this year suddenly make Canada look like a good alternative?
What's Up With That?!
Alright, when did High Schools loose sight of the big picture? They stopped thinking “How will this improve the student’s chances of making a life for him/herself?” and started thinking, “I wonder if they’ll notice me sleeping while they read.” I mean, they’ve purposely cut anything fun from the school that remotely seemed entertaining and replaced it with a teacher who’s very voice kills brain-cells. Something is seriously wrong when I have to make a hobby JUST FOR IN SCHOOL!!!
Safety Tip
If I had to build a bomb shelter in case of nuclear war, I would do it the smart way. What are the two things people say will survive a nuclear holocaust? That’s right, Twinkies and Cockroaches! So, all I have to do is get a cardboard box, glue a few layers of Twinkies on it, then the cockroaches would just swarm all over. I think the roaches would take the full force of the initial blast, and the Twinkies would absorb any and all stray radiation that might get past ‘em.
Judo Kick
I would genuinely like to know why girls have to take a self-defense class. First of all, they already know 3 ways to knee a guy in the groin and stab us with keys! They don’t need any more ammo against us! Secondly, how often to purse snatchers walk up to you in a big padded suit saying, “I’m a purse snatcher! BLOCK!”? And finally, what if I just walked up to one of them and shot them. I don’t think they taught then how to flip a bullet.
2001: A Space Oddity
I would like to point something out to the general public. WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO WE HAVE SPACE STATIONS?! There are now two! I mean, what the hell is wrong with NASA? Weren’t they watching all the crap that went wrong with Mir? So now they put up ANOTHER one. I still don’t know what the hell they’re trying to learn with Mir!!! Can someone tell me? Is the earth going to explode or something? Is that why they’re getting the healthy astronauts up there quick? China should be the next one up there, followed by England. We just have to pray that they'll eventually explode like in Armageddon so The News can go back to being about Terrorists and such.
Wugh Oh, Shaggy!
I enjoyed Scooby Doo as much as anyone else did when I was growing up, but now I think it was kind of stupid. I mean, first of all, you can always pick out the villain five minutes into the show. It’s never the overly obvious evil guy, it’s the nice person they meat who leaves for the rest of the show until the unmasking. Also, the REALLY big thing I have a problem with is how they always made the ghosts and such. There would be a giant Big Foot ghost running around, bashing through walls and pick up things, but then “The Gang” would just calmly explain they projected that image using a candle and a sock puppet! IT NEVER MAKES SENCE!!!!
Bad Ideas
I sincerely wish that someone would realize the anti-drug and anti-smoking thing has been pounded as deep into our little noggins as possible. They continue to tell us these things, but they never tell us about the less obvious dangers in life. For example, I was never told not to eat the crumb stuff at the bottom of the pretzel bag (It’s 99% salt! Nothing tastes right for a week!) or not to mix Mountain Dew and milk (not only does it taste like, well, like ass, but it stung my upper lip for an hour or so.). Sure, you might be saying to yourself, “Self, only and idiot would do those things!” Well, you better keep that opinion to yourself smart guy, because remember, there is A LOT more of US then there are of YOU! HAHAHA!
Behind You, Robin!!
Remember the old Batman TV show? I bet you do! It came before the animated ones and always had Batman and Robin solving some insanely difficult mysteries. Well, I went back and watched a tape of it, and noticed something. Whenever they faced The Riddler, they would solve his riddles in the oddest ways. For example, the joker would give two riddles.
(1) If a rooster sits on the roof of a pitched roof and lays an egg, which side will the egg roll down?
(2) Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, then Batman’s logical process would go a little something like this.
Well, old friend, roosters don’t lay eggs. And do you know what else doesn’t lay eggs? The endangered Panda’s of China! Now, the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. This means the Chinese panda is on the other side or China, placing them squarely in GOTHAM ZOO!!! Quickly Robin, we must save those pandas!!!
This is how they always figured out the evil plot. You think they would at least guess wrong once and a while and end up sitting in front of a bank in Brazil for 3 days.
It Is Going To Be HOT Today.
It has come to my attention that there is something sinister going on at the Weather Channel. It is owned and operated by el Diablo, Lucifer, The Dark One, The Fallen. That’s right, I’m talking about Satan. He has taken an interest in that particular station for reasons I have yet to discover, and it is ruining my life. I have seen the evil weatherman point out a warm front that was going to hit us in a few hours and warm everything up, just to have it be even colder the next day! I’ve also heard him say, and I quote, “Today’s temperature will go from the low of 55 to the high of 75. And the current temperature is 42 degrees.” Finally, every time I see him point out a cold front, he gins evilly. I can tell he’s holding back a, “So tomorrow it will be cold. MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”
A Career In Genetics
When going through High School, I think it would be a very good idea to steer your classes towards genetics. I say this because it would be the easiest way to make millions and millions of dollars. After you graduate from a decent college, you could begin experimenting with DNA alterations. The goal here is to make a living, breathing, flying pig. That’s right. A flying pig! Then, you could quit you job, and travel the world asking people, “Can I have $1,000?” They’ll all laugh, “Sure. WHEN PIGS FLY! HAHAHA!” Of course you would then open the animal crate you were carrying, open the door, tie a 100 ft leash to the little guy, then let him fly around for a little bit. I would then just collect my money and be on my way to the next town. I’m surprised no one else has thought of this.
